We have received a text from a person who has appeared in adult films in the past and has since consulted with PAPS.
With her permission, we would like to publish her text here.
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I am a victim of digital sexual abuse and have appeared in adult films in the past.
I don't know who is reading this, but I am going to write this for those who are suffering, those who are in the same situation, and those who are providing such support.
I first encountered the term “digital sexual abuse” three years ago. This is a term that was taught to me when I consulted with PAPS.
It was several years ago that I directly felt the damage of digital sexual abuse.
It has been a distressing and painful few years and the situation continues to this day.
I know there are others out there who have suffered as I have...
I appeared in several films over a decade ago for various reasons.
I retired soon after for fear of being “exposed,” but I was exposed after I retired.
Over time, I continued to be sold the same films over and over again through illegal uploading of videos and omnibus (re-selling).
Before I met PAPS, I consulted with an agency that handles requests to stop sales, and I consulted with a lawyer to request removal of illegal uploads that were outside the scope of the agency's response.
That was an expensive expense for me.
It took a lot of mental damage to face what I wanted to forget and turn away from in the past, “porn performance,” but I could not consult with anyone (close to me) and I really struggled and took various measures.
As an aside, when I started consulting with various organizations, I was so rejected that I could not type or say the word “AV.
It was also difficult to contact (e-mail) the consulting organizations and lawyers.
I had run out of money to pay for my lawyer's fees, and I thought, “I can't rely on anyone anymore...” It was at that time that I met PAPS.
I came across PAPS through my own Internet search for words such as “AV removal consultation.
Although I had been aware of the existence of a non-profit organization called PAPS for some time, it took me some time before I decided to consult with PAPS because I was worried that my personal information would be leaked and I wondered if it was really an organization I could consult with.
When I contacted PAPS to take a step forward, I met with a consultant 2-3 weeks after my first e-mail because I was told that I did not need to use my real name at first and that we would talk in person.
I was in a state of petit panic about how to talk about what I had been going through, but gradually I became able to talk, and I still remember thinking from the bottom of my heart how comforting it would be to “talk about my problems” directly with someone.
And PAPS, who is a professional counselor and would know the stories of people in the same situation as me, is still a real source of emotional support for me.
Since then, PAPS has been there for me, meeting with me several times in person, online, by phone, by email, and supporting me from various angles, and I have managed to survive.
Overreacting! You may think that I am exaggerating, but I believe that those who are involved in this project can understand how I feel.
Even now, I still have anxiety and fear about the proliferation of pornography through illegal uploading in the future, but I am gradually getting along better with my anxiety and fear when I think that there is a consultation organization.
Past when I couldn't stop searching
It was more than 5 years ago when I first searched for illegal uploaded videos.The first time I searched for the spread of illegally uploaded videos was more than five years ago, when I found a simple hit as a result of searching for the features of a film in which I may have appeared.Once I found it, I was curious to see if it had been uploaded elsewhere, so I entered various sites to search for it.
It is horrifying to think about it now, but there was a time when I was repeating it as a matter of course.
At that time, PAPS said to me, “If you search for something by yourself and it doesn't come up easily, it's not being watched.
My wish is that you don't appear in porn
I agree with the words “freedom of choice of profession” and “freedom of expression. I want to be a porn star! I want to be in porn!”
I do not deny that curiosity.
However, the works in which I have appeared will remain somewhere.
Even if “I” am good now, “I” may not be good 10 years from now.
Even if “I” am good, “my child (if I give birth)” may not be good.
Even if “I” am good, “my partner or husband” may not be good.
Even if “I” am fine 10 years from now, who can say whether “I” will be fine 20 years from now?
While facing me now...
I cannot erase the history of my porn career.
I regret it intensely, and sometimes I wish it had never happened.
I sometimes wish it had never happened.But that desire is not realistic.
I sometimes feel sad and can't help it, but when I think about how many more decades (more than 50 years) I may live in this age of 100 years of life, I want to “live happily” and “be in the present, not in the past, to connect it to the future.
I think this is the same for those who have not been affected by AV.
Therefore, I try not to be overly concerned about the past.
At that time, PAPS said to me, “If you search for something by yourself and it doesn't come up easily, it's not being watched.
I would be happy if you could lighten my heart, even if only for a second.
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